CiCi Flanagan

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Just let it go they tell me, but I can’t. There’s something about people being so close. Spazz. With one quick motion someone could just take my life away. Snap. It would be over, just     like      that. I feel the stares dig through my back. Don’t cup my ear, that’s not sensual. Don’t wrap your arm around my shoulders, too close. Don’t try and touch my earrings, it’s uncomfortable. Relax they say. Ha. Ha. Ha. Well fuck you too.


The Frustrating Moon

Tell me again why I took the History of American Art even though
我是中国人.
我不懂 why I put myself through this.

英语 is hard.
英语 is hard to learn.
英语is hard to learn and understand.

The man in the painting looks like he’s another world,
like he’s on the 月亮.
That’s what I was going for originally
that he feels alienated and dreams of better places.
可是我的老师  didn’t think that was a valid reason.
Look at his face!
He’s not sad but he’s not 高兴 either.
He just looks面无表情,
looking off into space.
How does my professor expect me to decipher what the man in the painting is truly
“saying and feeling”.
I can barely 懂英语.

英语is simple.
英语 is simple with its word choice.
英语is simple with its word choice but not with its emotions.

我高兴to be here,
but I miss feeling like I’m on my own planet.
I feel like I’m just constantly moving trying to find my comfort zone.
It’s like a sailor looking at his compass for some kind of direction.
I’m not sad here by any means,
我面无表情。
I’m just neutral.

英语is confusing.
英语 is confusing me.
英语is confusing me in every way.

All I want to do is close my 课本书 and just dream,
dream of living in a world where I can just be me.
I dream for the day where I’m not the 中国学生.
All I want is to pick up my 课本书,
and have my interpretation be right.
I yearn for the day where我的老师,
listens to me.
请大家听我。
Please everyone listen to me.
I have dreams too,
though the power of 外语makes my dreams frustrating.

英语 is the majority.
英语 is the majority with power.
英语is the majority with power, but for how long?

请大家听我。
Please everyone listen to me.

Inspired by Jesseca Ferguson, The Moon, 1999 Collage with pinhole, Ware Cyanotype Print


CiCi Flanagan is a first-year student at Boston University studying Business Administration and Arts Leadership. She has a fascination with the Chinese culture and currently takes Mandarin. Though she may sound like a five year old when she speaks, CiCi plans to take her Mandarin skills and work in Shanghai with the Chinese pop artists in the future.